Dear Lothared,

I am writing this in really big letters in hopes you will be able to read it.

Ever since I found you crying like a baby in the corner behind the Rusty Dagger, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. (Mostly because the snot from your runny nose dried on my cloak and nothing I have tried has been able to get it out, but thats beside the point.)

When I heard the blubbering back there I thought that certainly, it had to be a girl, it was so whiny and snuffly and pathetic. Then when I saw you I thought, "Wow, thats a really big girl, with bad taste in clothes, too." Why you would want to dress up like a female wood elf is beyond me. Even more so, what made you think you could pass for a female wood elf is beyond explanation. (By the way, lipstick goes on the actual lips, not in a huge circle around the general mouth area.)

However, things really got wierd when, between sniffles and wiping your nose, you insisted I call you Ardonia. The only thing I could come up with to explain your cross-dressing delusions is the night I put you in those frilly pink underthings. I thought you only liked them because you were drunk. Apparently those frilly things brought out a side of you that you have been trying to hide for quite some time.

Its understandable, coming from the manly world of Halas, that you were afraid to be your feminine cross-dressing self. They would have beaten the crap out of you in Halas if they found out. Freeport, however, is a more free-spirited town, and if you are really looking for this type of thing, I have included the addresses of a few areas in the slums where you will fit right in.

Before you go however, please take note of the following things. Number one, you are going to have to do something about the way you smell. Even my pet has commented on it, and he doesn't even have a nose. Please feel free to bathe in the pools at the temple of Erollisi...I heard the last time you did so they had to drain them and scrub them with bleach. That made me smile.

Secondly, wear stockings or something. Wearing a short skirt with legs as hairy as yours is just gross. You might want to shave that goatee, too, or at least wash the snot and dried food out of it.

You're never going to look like a wood elf, but you might be able to pass as an ogre female if you clean up your act a litte.

Just trying to help,

Andy